Friction in healthy relationships is a normal part of every relationship. Arguments can be healthy if you know how to do it right.

You might be so in love with your partner but no relationship is immune to conflicts therefore it is important that stonewalling is recognized and dealt with early.

When you and your partner are faced with a conflict, do you sit down and talk about it or does one partner stonewall, or give the silent treatment?

What is stonewalling?

Stonewalling is when someone completely shuts down in a conversation or refuses to communicate with another person.

New York-based licensed social worker Jackie Martinez, LMSW, LCSW, tells Bolde that stonewalling “happens in the face of conflict with another person when at least one party intentionally ignores and/or avoids the other person for extended periods of time without attempting to resolve conflict.” Perhaps understandably, this can cause some serious problems in relationships.

Stonewalling creates an unhealthy power dynamic in relationships and can lead to feelings of disconnect, mistrust, and frustration,” explains licensed clinical social worker Steve Carleton, LCSW, CAVIII.

For the person being stonewalled, it can leave them feeling disoriented, wounded and irritated.

It can wear down on their self-esteem, leading them to feel worthless or hopeless.

For the person stonewalling, they also suffer as they are denying themselves emotional intimacy with their partner.

Stonewalling can create tension in a couple’s relationship, causing disputes, agony, disruption and marital crisis therefore couples should try as much as possible to establish other conflict resolution strategies.

What are the signs that you’re being stonewalled by your partner?

* Refusal to respond to your phone calls or texts.

* Abruptly stop responding to you

* They walk out in the middle of a conversation without warning or explanation

* Begin engaging in other activities or acting busy

* They refuse to talk about or give reasons not to talk about an issue & refuse to answer questions

* Interrupt or otherwise prevent you from completing your sentences or thoughts

* Give one word answers (eg. “okay” or “fine”)

* They dismiss your concerns and declare the conversation “over”

* Pretend not to hear you or ignore you outright

* Deflect any responsibility and blame you rather than actually discussing the issue

* Physically leave you, giving no indication of if/when they’ll be back

* They engage in passive-aggressive type behavior

* Withholding physical affection as a form of punishment

* They change the subject or make accusations to avoid an issue

* They give you the silent treatment, avoiding nonverbal communication such as making eye contact with you

Is stonewalling different from gaslighting?

“Stonewalling is actually a learned defense mechanism that might stem from an unpleasant emotional or physical reaction someone has experienced in the past. Or your partner may simply not be able to express how they feel so instead they shut down,” Dr. Dannaram said. “Gaslighting, on the other hand, is a deliberate effort to manipulate and hurt others. It’s an intentional form of emotional abuse.”

How do couples end this terrible vice?

Ending this vice is quite difficult but possible, couples can break the stonewalling vice by adopting healthier communication strategies.

Utilize timeouts or take a break of no less than 20 minutes, and as long as 24 hours or so if needed. Both parties need time to be able to cool down in order to de-escalate an argument. This will help them have a more rational conversation. The length of the break needs to be agreed upon and be very clear that you will be coming back to the conversation afterward.

Practice self soothing to regulate your emotional state for example go for a walk, take deep breaths, play calming music.

Prevent your defensiveness from derailing the conversation by allowing yourself to be held accountable.

The above tips are helpful as you work towards healthy expression of your emotions and build healthy relationships with the people in your life.

Practicing a healthy way to cope with the urge to stonewall and emotionally withdraw will keep your relationship flourishing.